Author Archives: Walt Ciecko

Breaking the Ice When You Feel “Alone Together” in Your Relationship

April 8, 2022

It can happen to even the strongest of couples. After being together awhile, it’s normal to sometimes feel “alone” or lonely in your relationship. And like the once-endless conversations are drying up. Or worse, tense and forced.

You love your partner and want to rekindle your connection and spark. But how do you break the ice and get yourselves out of the rut?  

The trick is to examine your current styles of communication, watch for potential roadblocks and red flags, and be open to new topics of conversation. Here’s a roadmap to reconnecting with your partner and strengthening your bond.

Rekindle Connection in Your Relationship 

It’s common to get stuck in a communication “loop,” where we recycle the same stories or conversations with our partners out of habit. Or perhaps the stressors of day-to-day life have been weighing on you. And you and your partner are starting to feel like ships in the night. Passing each other with just a few words here and there. 

The passionate chats you used to have seem long gone. So, what do you do?

Connection Through Communication

The truth is that connection is at the heart of a healthy and successful relationship. And one of the most effective ways to connect is through talking. Your conversations can be deep and meaningful – or playful and flirty! 

But if they aren’t happening at all, it’s time to evaluate your and your partner’s communication styles. Some things that can truly make a difference include:

  • Active listening to your partner. Hint: a lot of times we think we’re listening, but we’re really just waiting for our turn in the conversation! Try repeating your partner’s words in your mind as they speak to help you process them. Take time to think about what they’ve said… and then add onto their statements. It can make a big difference!
  • Find ways to show you’ve heard them. Acknowledging something they mentioned in a later conversation, leaving a sweet note for them, or doing them a favor.
  • Check-in throughout the day – with a quick text, email, or call to let them know you’re thinking of them.
  • Plan a unique activity together that you’ve never done before. It can get you both out of your comfort zone and talking!
  • Try using conversation starters to break the ice (more on this below!) They may feel awkward at first, but once you start using them you will feel more confident and comfortable over time. And more importantly, you’ll learn new things about your partner.

Communication is Key

It’s perfectly normal to have a disagreement with your partner every once in a while. In fact, it would probably be unusual if you never found yourself clashing with your partner. And awkward conversations can happen to anyone.

But it’s important to acknowledge if constant conflict is the root of your disconnect with your partner. Especially if you find yourself feeling increasingly angry with them. Then it’s time to examine your relationship closely. And to seek the trusted guidance of a therapist who specializes in couples counseling.

However, if you’re just feeling like your conversations with your partner are lackluster – or lacking completely – the trick is to open the channels of communication back up.

Common Communication Roadblocks 

Common pitfalls in relationship communication can include:

  • Passive-aggressive behavior in the form of little slights or digs at your partner. This type of communication avoids directly telling your partner how you’re feeling and can chip away at a relationship.
  • Shutting down or ignoring your partner’s attempts to connect and communicate. We know that our partners need our validation and support when they are having a hard time. But studies have shown that responding to our partner’s positive “bids” for connection is even more important for strengthening the relationship. And couples who do this stay together longer!
  • Not prioritizing time to connect. It’s easy to fall into a routine with your partner and put things like date nights on the back burner. But without emotional intimacy, you and your partner can start to feel distant or grow apart. 

‘Break the Ice’ with Conversation Starters

So, you’ve acknowledged any roadblocks you and your partner might be experiencing. Now you can set aside a chunk of time to reconnect. But what do you talk about? 

Conversation starters can feel forced or silly at first, and they require some bravery.  But they are also fun – and a great way to learn new and exciting things about your long-term partner! Also, they can be about anything – serious or silly topics, or even the relationship itself.

Consider the following starters or use them as inspiration and create your own:

  • What’s your favorite memory of the two of us? Why does it stand out to you, and how do you feel when you remember it?
  • What’s your proudest accomplishment?
  • You just won the lottery and bought us vacation tickets without telling me… Where are we going and why?
  • What are some ways you would like me to show you appreciation in our relationship?
  • Tell me something you are interested in (hobby, pursuit, topic) that is outside of your comfort zone. And how can I support you in trying it?

Talk to Your Counselor for More Tips

If you know reconnecting with your partner is your priority, it’s never too early to seek outside support to strengthen your bond. The Delaware Relationship Center is ready to help you at any point in your relationship, using unique therapy approaches and techniques. 

A rewarding relationship doesn’t always come easily. But, like all good things, it can thrive with work and support. Let us help you reach your goals today.

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Published in Help with Relationships

How to Bring the Therapy Safe Space Into Your Normal Life

March 4, 2022

One of the most helpful and sacred things about going to your counselor’s office is the therapy safe space they have created. Ideally, it is a warm and inviting place where you feel comfortable and free to open up.

Teletherapy takes you out of that space, and that’s one of the reasons that some people are a bit nervous about it. But in actuality, it gives you a unique opportunity to integrate the practice of therapy into your everyday life.

If you have been doing online therapy for a while, you may have already adjusted your physical surroundings to create a therapy safe space at home: rearranging your room, making a comfortable place to sit for sessions – perhaps even using special lighting, colors, aromatherapy, or music.

Are there other effective ways to bring the therapy safe space in to your life? And what does this safe emotional territory entail?

What Is a Therapy “Safe Space”?

Generally speaking, this is a designated place/time in which you feel able to freely express yourself. Safe spaces lack judgment, “fixing,” or wanton interruption. A skilled therapist strives to create a space in which you feel:

  • Acceptance
  • Privacy
  • Understanding
  • Listening
  • Unconditional positive regard

These can sound pretty abstract, but there are concrete things you can do. Let’s take a look at how to cultivate each one.

Acceptance

You can’t force every person in your life to accept you for who you are. But you can work on self-acceptance. When you think about it, that’s where many problems originate, isn’t it?

Some folks use personal affirmations. If you often find yourself thinking “I can’t do anything right,” try gently introducing a different train of thought. “But what if I can do some things right?” Or even, “Maybe I’m great at some stuff!”

Additionally, you can choose friends who tend to view you with non-judgment. If you constantly feel like you’re striving for a friend’s approval, ask yourself: Can I tone down this need from within? Or are they encouraging it? If so, do I need to put a little more distance between us? 

Privacy

Therapy offers a unique space of personal confidentiality, mirrored in few other areas of our life. But the safety of a kept secret can help you examine your own attitudes toward privacy. Because people have diverse takes on privacy!

For example, you might feel on edge about disclosing relationship news to your mother — because you know she’ll blab it to the rest of the family before you’re ready! Ask your therapist to help you formulate a tactful request. If you hold firm, you may find that the secret-spillers in your life start to contain themselves a bit more – freeing you to open up and build a little confidence between you.

Understanding & Listening

I’ll group these together, because they really go hand in hand. You can foster more understanding within yourself and with loved ones by becoming a skilled listener. 

The next time someone in your life talks about how their day went, pause before offering your opinion or alternate story. Instead, imagine how they must feel. And voice that.

“Wow, a three-hour commute sounds hard. You must feel exhausted…”

Give them a platform to tell their narrative from their perspective. You’ll notice that folks often soften when met with understanding rather than resistance. Once they feel heard, they might be restored enough to turn around and ask, “How are you?”

Unconditional Positive Regard

This is the real gold of therapy. And it can feel quite rare in “real life.” Therapists are in a unique position to step away after each session – they don’t have to deal with your unwashed dishes or slow errand-running like friends or family might!

That also shows you the key. Stepping back may be just what you need to reframe the people in your life (and their quirks). It will also help you be less frustrated and more loving toward yourself.

A friend once told me to view the world through “200-year-old glasses.” What will matter to you after such a long time? And what can you let go – and embrace more?

Talk to Your Counselor for More Tips

Of course, if you already attend teletherapy sessions, your counselor is a great resource, too. The Delaware Relationship Center is ready to help you learn more ways to build safe space into your life.

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How to Navigate Family Holiday Traditions with a New Partner

December 16, 2021

Your first holiday season together! A time to reflect on the past year, eat delicious food, surprise loved ones with gifts… And spend four hours driving back and forth across town?

Logistics are the least fun part of the holidays, and yours just snowballed (pun intended) with the combination of two – or more – family celebrations. The first year especially is a testing ground for how this “new way” looks. The subjects: you, your spouse, and your family. The end goal? Happiness. Hopefully.

Like in a laboratory, not all tests will work. You’ll have to try one plan this year and likely make changes the next. Despite that, you can still approach your first holiday season together with a little wisdom gleaned from couples and marriage counselors who have been here before. 

Accept Change

For the last 20 years, you’ve gone to your aunt’s house during Hanukkah and eaten her homemade latkes. But this year, your partner’s sister just had a baby, and that week is the first opportunity you’ll get to meet the little niblet. You might have to miss the latkes this year. Or have your brother take some to-go for you.

Can you accept it? Can you go with the flow? Once you’re open to the idea, it’s time to hone your priorities.

Figure Out Your Priorities

Not all holidays are created equal to different families. Which can actually be a real saving grace.

Make some time to sit down and talk this out with your partner. You might discover that your wife’s family pulls out all the stops at Thanksgiving in exchange for a chill Christmas – whereas your family doesn’t care as much about Thanksgiving, but your mom would cry if you didn’t help her make eggnog on Christmas Eve.

Once you’ve come up with a game plan together, it’s time to let everyone else know.

Be Honest With Your Families About What You Need

You may want to start the “holiday sharing” conversation months ahead of time in order to minimize stress. If there’s going to be family drama, holiday pressures will only make it worse.

For relatives who love last-minute plans, you might need to “train” them. Remind them that now you’re splitting holidays with your partner’s family. 

If they spring a spontaneous invitation, don’t bend over backwards to accommodate. “We already planned to spend New Year’s with Mara’s family. We’ll miss you! We love you!”

Speaking of bending over backwards – some newly married folks will spend 80% of their first Thanksgiving or Christmas on the road, trying to see all the families in one day. 

Perhaps if you only want a short amount of time with certain parts of the family, it’s a winning strategy. However, if driving across town several times in a day leaves you feeling ragged, you don’t have to do it.

Instead, you can lead with requests that will make your life easier. Are families willing to carry out the same traditions on different dates? If it makes no difference, and both your folks get to see you, you just struck a win-win situation! Don’t be shy. It’s worth checking.

Create New Traditions

Save some time and energy for what you want to do, too. Forming new traditions is part of the beauty, privilege, and fun of a new marriage or long-term partnership.

Talk to your partner about what’s meaningful to each of you. Cooking together? An ornament to commemorate a big moment of each family member’s year? You can use the holidays each year to remind yourselves.

This becomes even more relevant if you have children. What do you want your new family’s Christmas morning tradition to be? Employ and enjoy your clean slate!

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How to Weather Big Life Transitions With Your Partner

November 30, 2021

Major life transitions are like a powerful gust of wind. They can throw off even the strongest of relationships. 

While you might retreat from friends during messy or chaotic times, a partner often witnesses it all. And, especially if you live together, you can’t totally stop making requests for time, attention, and energy. After all, somebody has to take out the garbage on Thursday nights.

Fortunately, you just gained a valuable tool to weather life transitions with your spouse or long-term partner: awareness.

What Do “Life Transitions” Look Like?

Couples hit the stickiest rut when they work backwards from the midst of a transition. In other words, you find yourself snapping at each other. You’re grumpy. Low energy. Perhaps even wondering if your relationship has run its course.

And suddenly you realize. “Ohhh! This is because we just….”

  • Changed jobs
  • Watched the last kid move out
  • Retired
  • Lost a loved one
  • Moved to a new city
  • Started house renovations
  • Had a significant income adjustment
  • Embraced a gender/orientation change
  • And so on.

You can see how specific these can become. As many transitions exist as there are walks of life.

Without awareness that you’re undergoing one, you might get stuck in a feedback loop of stressed reactivity, pulling away from more and more prickly versions of each other. 

Instead, if you’re proactive, you can give each other extra space and tenderness to soften the ride. And you’ll be more capable of using the kind relationship tactics below.

Ready to hear them? Let’s go!

Make Time to Communicate

You may assume you’re already communicating. After all, you talk to your partner every day. But asking if they remembered to tell the contractor about the slate tile doesn’t count. 

Take a stand for the health of your relationship by taking time to sit down and check in with each other. Try your best to keep these uninterrupted, even if they only last for 15-30 minutes.

During the check-in, approach your partner with curiosity. Our brain likes to get into grooves for efficiency’s sake -- especially in tense times. Instead, make an effort to see your partner for who they are in this moment.

Use the powerful communication tool of open-ended questions/statements:

  • What emotions are coming up for you since this change started?
  • Tell me about what feels challenging right now.
  • What would make things easier for you?
  • What do you need from me the most?

If you can manage it, add something to sweeten the deal. Split a piece of pie. Share a glass of wine. Cuddle up under a family quilt. A little warm fuzziness goes a long way to repair relationship strain.

Practice Grace

Speaking of ruts, a grudge is one of the deepest out there. You and your partner might make some missteps while you figure out a new way of living.

For small ones -- a sharp tone, jumping to conclusions -- make a habit of apologizing quickly. And forgive even faster to oil the wheels to peace. Nobody’s perfect. 

For larger mistakes, give each other compassionate space to cool off. Tell your partner that you will talk it out at a set time, and follow through on that discussion for each other’s sake. This will help you both feel secure, because you remain on the same team even during confrontation.

Look for Opportunities to Love More Throughout Life Transitions

Beyond damage control, cultivate extra signs of affection that help you and your partner feel close. Small gestures work especially well in this context. 

Anticipate needs. For example, wake up 10 minutes early to have coffee ready for your partner. Replace their pair of everyday shoes that have worn down. Bring a snack in the car when you pick them up from the airport.

Express words of love. Maybe you can’t solve your partner’s discomfort in their new career field. But you can tell them how great that shirt looks on their way out.

Connect through simple fun. Start a game of online Scrabble that you two can play throughout the day. Ping each other with silly animal videos. Play hide ‘n’ seek at the garden center.

Together, with caring and appreciation, you can get through these times together.

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The Surprising Benefits of Teletherapy

June 1, 2021

Would you have tried teletherapy before 2020? The answer, for most, would probably be “No.”

2020 forced us to adapt and give it a try, though. 

What did we gain from this year-plus-long experiment? A bunch of data showing that teletherapy actually works!

We’ve even discovered that teletherapy offers certain advantages that in-person meetings can’t. If you’re still on the fence, read on to discover the unexpected but welcome benefits of teletherapy.

Therapy in Action

Normally, in-person sessions happen in the “bubble” of the psychologist’s office. 

You sit in a clean, uncluttered room on a rattan sofa, surrounded by peaceful music and perhaps a little bubbling fountain. In that almost-heavenly space, you try to describe your chaotic life in words.

Teletherapy happens in the environment where you likely encounter the chaos. And while that might sound difficult or annoying — it certainly can be — it’s also an amazing opportunity to confront these challenges head-on.

Good-bye, Commute

Do you sometimes dilly-dally before a session and arrive late? Have you ever taken on extra work at the end of the day, knowing it means you’ll have to skip an appointment?

Sometimes we make honest miscalculations and miss therapy because of them. But other times… we run these interferences as a defense mechanism. 

Maybe the truth is that you were tired that week, and you didn’t really want to expend emotional energy in session. That’s understandable. Any forthright counselor will tell you that therapy is hard work — but it also comes with great rewards. 

For teletherapy, all that you need is a private enough space, a computer/tablet/phone, and wifi. It eliminates the commute, helping to alleviate both physical and mood obstacles.

Unexpected traffic won’t stop you from attending. And if an emotional block tries to convince you, well, you just lost an excuse. Instead of sitting in a car or public transit, you could take some extra self-care time to restore your energy.

Freedom from Childcare

This benefit goes out to harried parents and caregivers. You might really need therapy, especially since relationships often shift dramatically after children are born. But it can be difficult to secure childcare for an hour or two on weekday afternoons or evenings.

There’s no need to hire a sitter for teletherapy sessions. You can find ways to occupy children for an hour while still giving yourself the privacy you need for a session. 

And even if they do interrupt the session, it’s another one of those golden, real-life practice opportunities. A resourceful therapist will embrace the distraction as a learning experience. 


relationship counselor in Delaware

A Note on the Lack of Commute

It’s totally normal to feel a little spacey, quiet, or tired right after therapy. Your brain is likely undergoing “passive processing,” digesting all the stirred-up emotions, thoughts, and wisdom from the conversation.

Commutes used to be the perfect time to let this process happen. Without that buffer, we recommend you build in purposeful pre-appointment and post-appointment downtime.

Schedule 20-30 minutes to go for a walk, make a meal, or just sit. It will optimize gains from your session, and it will help you avoid possible negative consequences from neglecting this need. If you have children around, it’s the perfect nap time or a chance to sit and cuddle with them.

Without a pre-session commute to mentally prepare, it’s okay to take 5-10 minutes at home to do that. Do things that help you feel centered. That could mean writing down a few goals for that session, stretching your body, or simply doing nothing. 

Some clients benefit from breathing exercises, too. Set a timer for a few minutes, then bring a gentle focus to the physical sensation of your inhale and exhale. 

If you need to calm down from a hectic day, count four seconds for your inhale and six seconds for your exhale. Try to keep extending the length. Just don’t get light-headed! 

Keep the exercise mellow, so you’ll be energized for the work ahead.

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Why Trial Separations Do Not Work

November 1, 2019

Often, the idea of a separation comes out amidst an argument when people are at their wits’ end.

Or it may seem like a kind of release valve. A way to get some distance from the pressure and frustration attached to working through issues. 

The idea can seem like a relief. Is it really, though?

The Idea Behind a Trial Separation

Proponents of trial separation believe there are benefits to be had. They say: 

  • Separation provides time and space to realize your partner’s worth.
  • Time apart allows you to let go of petty issues you have with one another.
  • The break offers a fresh start and a healthier perspective on your life together.
  • You’ll be able to focus on yourself and sort out your personal issues.

That last one’s got it partly right. Healing and strengthening any relationship does begin with you. However, there are some big problems with the other supposed positives.

What’s Wrong with the Idea of Separation

When you are successfully working through personal issues, this is a positive experience. And if you achieve a breakthrough, your natural inclination will be to examine all of the elements that led to that achievement. 

So, think about what it means to reach a goal and feel better than before... without your partner. None of those positive feelings will be associated with them.

Moreover:

  • A trial separation severs communication… at least to some degree. 
  • Temporary independence may feel good, but your responsibilities don’t just go away.
  • Returning to a situation that hasn’t really changed may make it easier to let the relationship go.   
  • If you achieve a positive feeling while avoiding doing the work together, it may justify more future “breaks.”

The healthier, more long-term route for a committed couple is to directly confront and try to resolve conflict. It can be tougher. But it provides longer-lasting and more satisfying results. 

Wouldn’t It Be Better to Just Start Over?

You may be asking yourself whether scrapping this relationship might be a better option. After all, you can just start over fresh, and the next one will be different, right?

Not likely, according to researchers with the University of Alberta. The recent completion of one eight-year study proves what relationship therapists and couples counseling have seen for years: “Although some relationship dynamics may change, you are still the same person, so you likely recreate many of the same patterns with the next partner.”

What You Should Do Instead

Instead of starting all over with someone new, Imago therapy tells us that working together on improving relationship issues is a better answer. 

The trick is to set the stage for honest conversation and create realistic expectations for your partnership. One way partners can do that is in a couple’s therapy session. 

Or, you can start with a workshop. Over a single weekend, you’ll dive deep and learn some easily applicable tools to help you rediscover your potential together. 

Working through personal issues as a unit defines how you find your “couple’s answer” to the various conflicts you may be having instead of solving your problems alone (and apart).

Ultimately, building and sustaining a loving, emotionally nourishing marriage is more difficult than we imagine during the new romance phase. It takes work and practice and time. But you’ll find rekindling the flame is incredibly satisfying!

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Published in Help with Relationships

Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington DE 19803
302-478-4285