Delaware Relationship Center

If you think the standard 40-hour work week is plenty, you may have trouble connecting with a partner for whom work is the “primary focus” of their life. But such troubles are not deal-breakers, and a couple that values other qualities beyond career goals can successfully compromise their differences in work-life scheduling.

To you, it may seem like your partner values their career over your relationship. This is not uncommon—many people cite conflicts over work schedule as the reason for ending a relationship. In fact, some data suggests that workaholics have twice the divorce rate compared to the rest of the population.

Here are some tips from a Delaware therapist to help your relationship survive if your partner is a workaholic:

Try to understand their side. It’s important to try to understand the why behind your partner’s attitude towards work. Sit down and have an open conversation about what your partner gets from their career.

In some cases, it may be a temporary situation—your partner may need to put in some extra hours in a new career path, or to achieve a specific career goal. They may feel it’s necessary to support their family, or to earn a better future for the both of you.

Other times, “workaholism” is a symptom of a deeper issue. Perhaps your partner is working excessively to combat depression or feelings of inadequacy. If you suspect this is the case, it’s important to try to get your partner to open up to the possibility of getting help. Unfortunately, aggressive probing of personal issues will likely cause your partner to withdraw, so you need to know how to do it.

In most cases, understand the why will prevent you from a good amount of resentment towards your partner. Avoid an accusatory approach—instead let your partner know you are just trying to understand them better.

Work towards a “couples’ answer”.  At the heart of all strong relationships is the ability to hear two (often different) points of view and create a “couples’ answer” that both partners can support. For example, if your partner is willing to set aside time for just the two of you, you might agree to let them work late hours on other days without guilt-tripping or nagging them.

Set aside time for the two of you. Many workaholics run on extremely tight schedules, and often let work hours bleed into their free time. This leaves little room for the “down time” couples need to strengthen their relationship.

Talk to your partner about designating a time that is just for the two of you, like a date night or even a quick lunch. It doesn’t have to be a huge block of time, but it is important that the time is dedicated to your relationship. This means no email checking!

Focus on yourself. Part of maintaining a strong couple relationship involves a frank look at ways you and your partner can adapt to each other’s lifestyle. You may find a considerable amount of strain lifted from your relationship if you find ways to occupy your time when your partner is unavailable, like making new friends or developing a new hobby.

Finding value outside your relationship is a way of growing and maintaining your separate self.

Schedule a counseling session. Don’t be afraid of therapy. It’s not just for couples on the rocks (although it’s certainly helpful in those situations). A Delaware therapist can serve as a coach/guide while you work out answers that allow your relationship to continue to grow in a positive way.

Want to improve your mood, health, and relationship all at once? Then make a commitment to regular summer dates that involve physical activity.

Together, you’ll benefit from the release of endorphins, improved mood, and better health. If the activity is outside, even better: time spent outdoors can enhance your mood, improve your attention levels, and strengthen your immune system. (Just make sure to use your sunscreen!)

By doing it together, you’re more likely to stick with it. A study from Health Behaviour Research Centre at University College London in England found lifestyle changes – exercise or otherwise – are more successful when couples do it together.

“Perhaps, as they say, 'a problem shared is a problem halved,’" said study co-author Jane Wardle.

So what do you have to lose? Get out and active with your partner today with these 6 summer date ideas from a Delaware Relationship Counselor.

1. Take a bike ride. Don’t already own bikes? Rent some instead! If you find you enjoy it, you can always invest in a bike later. Head to a nearby park together with frequent stops to explore, or use it as your mode of transportation for a lunch date at a restaurant. (Another idea: get a tandem bike for added couples’ fun!)
2. Go on a scenic hike. The slow pace makes it easy to enjoy the exercise while still holding a conversation. Make a commitment to explore a new hiking trail in your area each week. Bring along a healthy picnic lunch to enjoy when you stop for a particularly beautiful vista.
3. Try partner kayaking. If you're looking for an upper-body workout, this is a great activity, but it isn't an easy one. It will, however, encourage you to get "in sync" literally! You'll have to work together to coordinate your strokes if you want to get anywhere. The accomplishment can help you feel more like a team.
4. Explore a farmer’s market. It’s the least intense “workout” on our list, but the right farmer’s market can involve fair amounts of walking, get you outdoors, and encourage healthier eating habits. Then bring those fresh meats and veggies home and grill out for dinner together for more time enjoying the summer heat together.
5. Play a game of golf. Enjoy the challenge of the game together while also relishing in the walks between holes. If you have a competitive nature, consider not keeping score to keep the focus on just spending time together and living in the moment. Or for a less expensive (and maybe less intimidating) option, go miniature golfing instead.
6. Start a geocaching adventure. This outdoor activity involves looking for “hidden treasure” using GPS, your mobile device, or other navigation to find containers throughout your community. Working as a team to make a “discovery” will bring a sense of surprise and fun to your relationship. You can learn more about this idea on geocaching.com.

Of course, these are just a few ideas! Put your heads together and see what other fun outdoor activities you can come up with. If you're having trouble working together, contact a Delaware Relationship Counselor for help.

Inundation. It’s a technical psychology term that you may not have heard of but have probably felt before.

In plain English, inundation is the feeling of being crowded or intruded upon by another person. Under inundation’s influence, it may seem as though another person is cutting into your space, life, or freedom. There are many different situations that may cause you to feel inundated, from people standing too close in line to family members who demand too much of your time.

While it’s easy to imagine how strangers in a crowded store, doting mothers, or irritating coworkers could make a person feel inundated, few of us ever imagine that our partners could make us feel this way.

A common misconception with romantic relationships is that married couples who are in love should become one and cease to be separate individuals. Many couples mistakenly believe that spending every single waking moment together is proof of the strength of their love and the health of their relationship. Often, couples have difficulty confessing to themselves or each other that they still have need for personal space.

But all human beings need a certain degree of space, privacy, and freedom—even the closest of romantic partners. In fact, personal space is vital to the success of a healthy relationship and active sex life. Without it, you may end up feeling resentful, irritated, and even angry at your partner.

Of course, a request for personal space can be an extremely sensitive subject. It can be a challenge to communicate your needs without hurting your partner’s self-esteem or causing a fight.

Below are some tips for getting the conversation on personal space going in a way that doesn’t end in conflict or hurt feelings.

Be specific. Telling your partner that you need space without providing an explanation may be interpreted by your partner as a sign of trouble. Explain to your partner exactly what you mean by “more space,” whether you want some time to spend with your friends or family, to pursue a hobby, or just to unwind after work.

Reassure your partner. Even the most confident partners can end up feeling confused, hurt, or jealous after you request a bit more breathing room. Reassure your partner of your intention to spend time with him or her as you request time apart, making it clear that your need for personal space is not a threat to your relationship.

Talk about your experiences. You and your partner should share your personal experiences with each other, using the tales of your solo escapades to inspire conversation and learn new things about one another. If you explore new activities, places, and experiences as individuals and as a couple, you can strengthen and revitalize your bond.

Bring in an expert. If you are having difficulty communicating your need for personal space to your partner, you may want to bring in an expert to offer relationship advice. A therapist can act as an impartial coach as you navigate this touchy subject, and provide you with effective tools and strategies for both honoring your time apart and treasuring your time together.