Delaware Relationship Center

How would you describe your partner?

Are they “the one”? Are you “soul mates”? Does it seem like you were “destined” to find each other?

While such beliefs can seem romantic and positive about your relationship, research has found that they can be surprisingly harmful.

Why? Because they encourage you to look at love and relationships as something that just kind of magically happens. Once you find that “right” person, everything will be smooth sailing from there on out.

Except that it won’t. It never does. Over time, issues can’t help but develop in a long-term relationship.

And if you’re expecting nothing but smooth sailing, these issues – even incredibly minor ones – can end up feeling like signs. Maybe they’re not “the one.” Maybe there’s someone “better” for you out there. After all, shouldn’t things be easier?

Actually, no, they shouldn’t. If you truly want to find long-lasting love, you need to let go of the idea of “happily ever after” and embrace a “work-through-it” mentality instead.

Work Through It Together

Relationships take work. People have unique feelings. Unique desires. Unique ways of looking at the world and doing things.

You and your partner will see some things differently. This means there will be conflict. That isn’t a bad thing. Conflict can help both of you to grow and connect on a deeper level.

But you have to approach it from the right perspective. Recognize that you and your partner have the ability to change things. You have power and control – you just have to seize it instead of giving in to the self-defeating belief that things just are the way they are.

This means talking about what you need instead of expecting your partner to read your mind. Being willing to share your feelings and working to understand why your partner feels the way he or she feels.

When couples find a way to do this, they often discover that their relationship is stronger than it has ever been before. They stop fighting with each other – and start fighting for each other. And what could be more romantic than that?

Need help navigating conflicts? Reach out to the Delaware Relationship Center!

Raising children is hard. It is no secret that it can take its toll on any relationship. And it doesn’t get easier when summer vacation ends and you need to convince your kids that an early bedtime is just what they need to prepare for the new school year.

With all the transition and stress that comes with the new school year, it can be easy for you to fight with one another. This is where being on the same page with your partner is crucial, especially since your child could be anxious about the upcoming changes.

So, before you let the back-to-school season strain your relationship, here are some tips that my Delaware relationship therapist clients find helpful to prepare for a stress-free transition.

Establish a Routine

Work together to create a solid routine that you both agree to follow, including times to wake-up and go to sleep, who is preparing breakfast and lunch for the day, and who will be doing the school run each day.

A routine like this, clearly set-out and agreed upon beforehand, will reduce stress each day as each parent will know what to expect and can plan accordingly.

Set Out Clear Goals

Another point of contention can be parents’ expectations for their children’s academic success. It is necessary that you both agree on what you expect from your children at the beginning of each year, so no parent is either pushing too hard or becoming too complacent. Discuss issues such as homework expectations and how to handle poor test scores.

Review Information Together

With the beginning of the school year comes a ton of paperwork outlining everything from important dates to transportation routes. Go through this information together, noting down dates on the calendar and cross-checking your existing commitments. This will keep you both on the same page and prepare you to support your children together.

Expect the Unexpected

Even the best laid plans often go awry! Sometimes your child might be sick during the day, and working parents can find it difficult to find someone to nurse them on the same day. Or you may both need to work overtime on the same day – what then? Have contingency plans in place, so you feel more prepared.

Working together on a back-to-school routine can be time-consuming, but in the end, setting up these routines and plans will lessen stress and tension throughout the busy school year.

Need help communicating effectively and without conflict? Seek the guidance of a Delaware relationship therapist.

You know that your partner has been having a particularly tough time. Work has been crazy. The kids are driving both of you up the wall.

So, you decide to do something nice for them. You spend time at work that week researching a big gift you think they’ll like. After you pick the kids up from school, you head out together to get it.

You’re excited. The kids are excited. But when you give it to your partner, they’re a bit subdued.

And it hurts. You put a lot of time and effort into finding something that would show your appreciation, and they barely seemed to care.

So, against your better judgment, you confront them. You talk about why you did it. About the work you put into it. How much it would have meant to you to have received such a thoughtful gift.

Their response: they do appreciate the time and effort you put in, but presents just don’t mean that much to them. They never have.

Before you lay into your partner even more, take a deep breath and think about what they’re saying. Clearly, getting a big present means something important to you. But just because you put so much meaning on it doesn’t mean that your partner does.

Here’s the more important question: what kinds of things do matter to your partner?

What we’re talking about here is love languages. Different things convey love to different people. And if you want your partner to feel loved, you need to know what says love to him or her.

How Do You Know What (Love) Language Your Partner Speaks?

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five different universal “love languages.” They are:

1. Words of affirmation. Compliments, I love you’s, and other positive verbal interactions really get their love juices flowing. On the flip side, insults and other negative comments won’t be forgotten or forgiven easily.
2. Acts of service. Making life a little bit easier for them shows them how much you care. Increasing their workload frustrates the heck out of them.
3. Are diamonds or a new 70-inch TV their best friend? Then they may feel love by receiving gifts. To be clear, these gifts don’t necessarily have to be big or expensive. Showing you care by getting something is what matters.
4. Quality time. They don’t care what you do, as long as it’s with them. If you skip another activity to show them that you’d rather spend time with them, even better.
5. Physical touch. These people feel love by really feeling Kissing, holding hands, hugging, and other types of physical affection really matter to them.

Most people appreciate many, if not all, of these love languages, but we tend to gravitate toward one of these five more than the others.

Here’s the trap most of us fall into though: we assume that what makes us feel loved is the same thing that will make our partners feel loved. So, if we like being touched, we’ll touch them a lot. If we wish someone would just help us out by getting our car cleaned or taking out the garbage, we’ll engage in those types of acts of service.

Here’s what you should do instead: pay attention to what your partner really seems to appreciate. Try something in each of the five languages and see what works best. Or – better yet – just ask them.

Even if they don’t know exactly, asking will show you really care. And it will get them thinking, not just about how they feel love, but possibly how you feel love, too. And that’s good for both of you.

If you're having trouble talking about it, seek the help of a Delaware marriage therapist, who can help you uncover one another's love language as well as learn other valuable relationship tools and techniques.