Delaware Relationship Center

All of us make mistakes, and in romantic relationships, these mistakes often hurt or violate our partners. When we have wronged our partners, the most important thing to do is apologize sincerely as soon as we are able so that you can move forward together as a couple.

Relationship experts agree that apologies are one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship. However, an inauthentic apology can do more harm than good, so it is important to apologize sincerely and meaningfully to your partner.

Why an Inauthentic Apology Is Hurtful

Some of us struggle to apologize, usually because we are burdened with the sense of being flawed or deceptive, and feel overwhelmingly ashamed when we address our wrongdoings. This can lead to an inauthentic apology that can actually hurt your partner, making matters worse.

An inauthentic apology can cause your partner to feel as though you don’t really care, and are apologizing simply to preserve your image as the “good one.” This is counterproductive in building a conscious relationship wherein you feel truly connected to your partner.

So how do you make sure that your apology is sincere?

Delaware Therapist Shares the Elements of a Sincere Apology

To apologize sincerely to your partner, you must practice excellent communication and sincerely admit to your wrongdoing. You must also communicate possible ways to repair your wrongdoing, and actively listen to your partner’s feedback on this element.

Make it about more than just words.

A sincere apology is about more than just what you say - it’s about how you say it. Use your body language to truly connect with your partner. Look into your partner’s eyes, and perhaps hold his or her hand while you’re talking. Use a sincere, non-confrontational tone so that he or she understands that you really mean what you’re saying.

Let go of being right.

One word that rarely belongs in any sincere apology is “but.” To sincerely apologize, you must let go of being in the right in the situation. Attempting to preserve your image or being proud can lead to an inauthentic apology that is hurtful to your partner.

It’s actually most effective not to think about who’s right or wrong in the situation. Instead focus on how your actions made your partner feel, and accept responsibility for this.

Usually we feel inwardly ashamed of our actions, and therefore struggle to admit when we are wrong. Addressing this inner shame can be a long term endeavor, but an effective tactic to move past this is to focus not on how you feel, but on how your partner feels.

Offer to repair.

Your partner will be more able to accept your apology if you move forward by discussing how you can make up for your wrongdoing, or how you can avoid making the same mistake in the future. If you truly feel sorry for wronging your partner, this should include the desire not to do it again.

Ask for your partner’s feedback on how you can make up for your wrongdoing and avoid doing it in the future. Actively listen, and do your best not to get defensive, which is typically counterproductive.

Follow these tips, and you’ll be well on your way to repairing a mistake and moving forward. Still struggling? Call a Delaware therapist for help.

When you have a great idea to tell your partner, or you are finally ready to address a conflict and get it out of the way, you may have the urge to pick up the phone or walk into the room where your partner is sitting and strike up the conversation immediately.

However, if your partner was engaged in a different activity when you walked in or called, you may be met with a response that you weren’t expecting. They’re grumpy about it. They roll their eyes. They shut you down.

Ouch. Their response hurts.

But think about it from their perspective for a second. In fact, let’s specifically pretend that you’re in their position:

You’re in the middle of a big project at work. The words are flying, the ideas are churning, and you’ve found the motivation you’ve been looking for all week. It’s great.

And then your spouse bursts into the room and starts talking about an idea that is completely off-topic, throwing you off your game. You’d feel kind of frustrated, right?

When we begin to communicate with our partner, we bring in a certain type of energy. And if that energy doesn’t match our partner’s energy, or the conversation throws our partner off, a conflict has been created.

So instead of bursting into a room or immediately diving into a dialogue, begin your communication using a “soft start.” What does that mean?

What a Soft Start Looks Like

Let’s go back to the first example.

You have a really great idea for your partner and you want to tell them. But they’re working in the next room. So you seek them out, but instead of just jumping in, you feel them out. You say, “Is this a good time to talk?” Or: “I have an idea. Can I share it with you right now?”

This allows your partner to be honest and give you a look into their energy and what they are doing. If your partner is not able to talk, respect their time. You can always ask, “When is a better time to talk?” or offer to let them be until they are finished with the task at hand.

Giving them this time will require some patience, but ultimately creates a more suitable environment for a conversation. When your partner is ready to communicate, they will be able to participate more enthusiastically.

If You Are Approached by Your Partner

Let’s flip the table once again.

You’re working or concentrating on a task and your partner approaches you with a conversation. Understand that they are excited, and it may have taken a lot of effort to finally come forward and share their ideas with you.

Be honest, but be kind. Tell your partner that now is not a good time to talk. Creating this boundary fosters more self-respect in your relationship – you should only have an intentional dialogue when you are ready.

Offer an alternative time to talk to your partner. Stick to that time, and prepare yourself for communication when you are finally ready to talk.

Want to learn more about the first steps of having an intentional dialogue? Reach out to a Delaware relationship therapist who specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy.

Did you know that only 7% of communication is verbal? Even if your words are gentle and positive, your tone and body language may tell your partner a different story.

Think about your stance during a difficult talk with your partner. Who stands, and who sits? Do you point, fidget, or frequently break eye contact? How are your hands and legs placed during the conversation?

All these little things can have a big impact on what your partner takes away from the conversation. To have a more successful dialogue with your partner, be aware of your sender and receiver responsibilities.

Sender and Receiver Responsibilities

Start by sitting down across from your partner. Your eyes should be at the same level.

Your arms should be by your side with your legs uncrossed. Crossed arms or legs tell your partner you’re defensive, guarded, or unwilling to participate.

When you start to speak, identify who is the Sender and who is the Receiver. Each role has different responsibilities and behaviors that contribute to a successful conversation.

The Sender is the person talking. The Sender’s responsibilities include:

• Asking the Receiver’s permission to begin the dialogue. If the Receiver is not ready to take on the responsibilities, then you should respect their honesty. Wait for the appropriate time to talk.
• Focusing on one topic.
• Keeping statements concise. You shouldn’t monopolize the conversation.
• Speaking softly.
• Refraining from “You” statements. Statements like “You always…” or “You never…” communicate blame. “I” statements focus on how the Sender feels about the Receiver’s actions, without making any judgments about why they are being performed.
• Recognizing the positive aspects of the Receiver’s comprehension.
• Breathing and regulating their own emotions.

The Receiver is the person listening. The Receiver’s responsibilities include:

• Accepting the Sender’s invitation to talk in a timely manner. Identify when you are ready to engage in dialogue.
• Staying calm. Be present throughout the dialogue.
• Putting away your own world view temporarily. Enter the Sender’s world.
• Responding and summarizing. Mirror the Sender’s words.
• Confirming that their summary and response reflects the Sender’s message.
• Validating the Sender’s feelings and reason for dialogue.
• Empathizing with the Sender.

Ready to Start Using the Imago Dialogue?

This form of communication is called the Imago Dialogue. It assures the Sender is heard and the Receiver feels safe, comfortable, and open throughout the conversation. The more you practice, the more natural this type of communication will feel.

Want to learn more about the Imago Dialogue and positive communication? Talk to an Imago relationship counselor today.