When couples decide to have children, a lot of issues tend to come up. Is it the right time in your life and career for kids? Do you feel financially secure enough? And simply: are you ready?

These are all good questions to ask, but often people in long term relationships ignore a big one: how do each of you plan on raising your kids? This not only relates to the belief systems that you want to instill in them (religious or otherwise), but also the way you plan to interact with your children on a day-to-day basis. In other words, what will your parenting styles be?

Generally speaking, there are three main ones: hands-off, affirmative, and authoritarian.

If you were to create a visual chart of these three styles, hands-off parenting, where you avoid imposing structure on the kids and let them make their own decisions, is pretty much the polar opposite of authoritarian parenting, where your word is essentially law and the kids are expected to follow your rules or be punished. Affirmative parenting, in which kids are given choices and encouraged to think for themselves, but where the parents are still the ultimate authority, is somewhere in the middle.

Problems Caused by Different Parenting Styles

As you might imagine, if one of you takes an authoritarian approach while the other has a more hands-off style, it can be confusing and negatively impact your children’s relationship with both of you. But differing parenting styles can go beyond your relationship with your children to harm your marriage as well.

How so? Well, when parents have vastly different styles of interacting with their kids, they often end up feeling frustrated and even undermined by their spouse as their decisions are frequently called into question or even rescinded. Fights can happen more often, and it’s not uncommon to feel more of a distance from your partner.

The way to combat these issues is to talk about big picture issues so you can achieve a couple's answer. Naturally, this won’t solve every disagreement, but it can help with a lot of them. And for those times when you do find yourselves at odds, the best way to handle it is to step away together and come to an agreement in private so you can present a united front to your kids.

No one is saying that this is easy though, so if you find yourself in need of help, feel free to give the Delaware Relationship Counselor a call.

It’s never fun to argue with your partner, but quarrels over money can be especially upsetting. For many couples, money doesn’t only represent finances—it represents power, responsibility, and security.

One possible solution? Create a budget. And the start of a New Year is a great time to do it.

By working together and openly communicating about your finances, you can plan a budget that saves you money, while avoiding future arguments. Creating a budget can be quick and easy—here’s how:

Step One: Determine income. Draw up a list of all your sources of income, including work paychecks, investments, and rental revenue.

Step Two: Calculate expenses. Start by budgeting for the necessary expenses first, such as rent, car payments, and utilities.

Step Three: Set a limit for luxuries. After determining how much you need for necessities, you can figure out how much you can afford to spend on luxuries, such as going out, entertainment, and vacations. This is usually an area where couples struggle. What’s important to you may not be to your partner, so keep an open mind and really listen to one another during the process.

Step Four: Create a rainy-day fund. You should set aside money in a special account for emergencies. Feeling prepared can help both of you relax when unexpected expenses come up during the year.

Step Five: Plan for retirement. It’s a good idea to start contributing to a retirement fund as early as you can – and discussing what that retirement will look like. You may find you have very different ideas about how to spend your golden years.

Step Six: Commit to the plan. Setting a budget will only help to prevent financial disagreements if you both stick to it. If you’re not happy with something, talk it out now rather than planning to ignore the budget or hide expenses. And if you make a mistake during the year, be honest with your partner, and work to be understanding if your partner does the same.

Creating a Time Budget
Money isn’t the only thing you can budget. You can apply this same principle to budgeting time as a couple – which is often just as hard to come by as responsibilities and routines take over.

Just as you would when creating a money budget, start by making a list of the amount of time you spend on tasks you must do—such as work, sleep, and eating. Calculate the amount of time that remains for personal tasks, such as spending time with each other, watching TV, and working out. If you have weekly commitments, such as volunteering, classes, or hobbies, account for these, too.

Does your schedule allot some time to connect with each other every day – even if it’s just 15 minutes in the morning or before bed? What about regular family time and date nights?

Your budget should help ensure that you have enough time to do the things that matter most to you. If that’s not the case, think about what kind of activities you can cut down on or commitments you can drop to make room in your schedule. Maybe instead of watching Netflix for a couple hours every week, you can spend this time to going out to a new restaurant, taking a cooking class, or visiting a Delaware relationship therapist.

Seeing a Delaware marriage therapist might not be the first thing on your mind when you and your partner have your first child together, and that’s very understandable. Suddenly the new addition to your family is at the forefront of your thoughts, and you may feel like you don’t have any time or energy left to focus on your relationship.

However, even if you don’t want to see a marriage counselor, you should make an extra effort to focus on your relationship after your first child. Relationship issues can quickly escalate when partners are sleep deprived, trying to navigate parenthood, and attempting to figure out their new role in the family.

Delaware Marriage Therapist Offers Tips for Couples Expecting Their First Child

Figure out how to divide domestic duties. There’s no getting around it—there will be a lot more household duties once you welcome a baby into your family. Figuring out who’s going to do things like clean up the kitchen, change diapers, or get up with the baby in the middle of the night can be a huge source of contention, so head off this problem by sitting down with your partner ahead of time and discussing how you’ll divide tasks. It may work best for you to trade off tasks on a daily or weekly basis, so one person does not get stuck doing the same things all the time.

Discuss logistics. Sure, it’s not the most romantic activity, but you and your partner need to discuss the practical implications of having your first child rather than just playing it by ear. Discuss whether one parent is going to take some time off from work, how much time they will take off, and what that will mean for the family’s income. As a Delaware marriage therapist, I know that stressing out over money is a huge source of relationship issues, but having a plan in place can help ease anxieties.

Plan for date nights. Before you have your first child, you may take alone time with your partner for granted. However, once the new baby arrives, you may inadvertently neglect your significant other. This can lead to feelings of rejection, which can turn into bigger relationship issues, so you need to make an extra effort to spend time with your partner. Plan to get a babysitter every so often so that you can spend time together and remember what you love about one another.

Learn to be flexible. As much as I’ve advocated planning ahead, there’s only so much a Delaware marriage therapist—or anyone—can prepare you for. Having a child for the first time will be accompanied by plenty of surprises. You may find that the baby doesn’t want to nap on the schedule you’ve set up, or that there are new domestic duties that you never even anticipated. Be prepared to learn alongside your partner as you raise your child.