The holidays are here! But while that can be exciting for all kinds of reasons, for many of us this is also the busiest, most stressful time of year.

How can you keep the holidays from adding stress and tension to your relationship? Beating holiday stress may not be completely possible, but there are lots of things you and your partner can do to reduce it.

Beating Holiday Stress and Focusing on Your Partner

“Survival” may seem dramatic – but so are the holidays. Everything is heightened, and it can feel like each little thing you get right – or wrong – is incredibly important. So much to do! So many people depending on you!

So take a deep breath and read on to keep your relationship strong throughout the season:

Just Say No. This may be the most important advice you get this year for beating holiday stress. So much of that “overwhelm” feeling comes from trying to do too much and bending over backward to make other people happy. But you are not responsible for everyone’s happiness, and you do not have to do everything. Decide ahead of time what you’re comfortable taking on, then tell people “no” if they try to add things on top of that.

Does a Tradition “Spark Joy”? Yep, Marie Kondo works for traditions, too. Sometimes, things that worked to bring you together in the past can become divisive, frustrating, and stressful as people – and the world – grow and change. If something seems like more trouble than it’s worth, don’t do it anymore.

Forget about the “Joneses.” It’s all too easy to see what others are doing on social media – or just in your own neighborhood – and feel jealous or competitive. But you have to let it go and remember what the season’s really about: connecting with the people you love. Bonus: tuning out all that other noise will help you do that!

Have a Team Mentality. You and your partner are a unit. A lot of beating holiday stress is about talking to each other, making a plan, and refusing to let others set you against each other. Just as important: help each other out. When you work together, you can make things easier for both of you.

Talk It Out – and Keep Talking. Part of this is making a plan, getting on the same page, and sticking to it – including setting aside “relationship time” (as in actually scheduling it!) Part of it is continuing to talk and keep each other in the loop when these best laid plans inevitably hit speed bumps.

If you find that you both need a little extra support during the holidays, don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a professional counselor. They can help you sort out those touchy family issues. And it’s at least one hour per week scheduled to pay attention to your relationship. 

Hopefully, after reading this, you’re feeling a bit more ready. Remember, holiday seasons come and go. The most important part is how you feel about each other afterward. Never lose sight of that, and you’ll have a happy home all year round. 

Are you familiar with attachment styles? This psychological concept describes how people relate in their closest relationships. Sometimes folks of certain attachment styles are drawn to each other – which can make for an easier or more challenging time.

Understanding your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can help break negative cycles in your relationship. And, in time, it can help you move toward a more compassionate connection in which you both can flourish.

Attachment Theory and Your Relationship

What does “attachment” mean? This is usually based on how you formed your earliest bonds in life – usually with your parents or other significant caregivers. Attachment refers to how you react when a person who is important to you is present – and when they’re absent.

The theory emerged from a study conducted with toddlers and their parents. Researchers noticed that, from a young age, children showed different reactions when their mother left the room.

Some cried for a bit, eventually calmed down, then got excited when their mother showed up again. Some cried and remained upset, even after she returned. Others seemed indifferent to their mother’s presence and absence. And some exhibited a confused mixture of reactions.

These observations formed the basic attachment styles. We’ll go through them below, although most people don’t fit neatly into just one.

Secure

In this attachment style, said to be exhibited by about 50% of the population, people are able to easily form bonds with others. They miss loved ones when apart but don’t feel extreme anxiety or fear about the relationship.

The next three attachment styles are typically categorized as “insecure.”

Anxious

People with an anxious attachment style worry when their partner is away – but they also find it difficult to be present and receive love when they’re around. This style parallels the inconsolable child in the study.

Avoidant

Those with an avoidant attachment style may have trouble feeling their emotions and even, sometimes, their bodies. They learned to disavow their needs, because they learned that they couldn’t depend on loved ones.

I once heard another therapist describe avoidant attachment style as “covert anxious.” They crave connection just as much as their anxious counterparts, but they don’t make it known and, thus, find themselves reliving their original disappointment.

In fact, anxious and avoidant partners are often attracted to each other, since they confirm each other’s negative biases about relationships. The anxious partner doesn’t get affirmation from the avoidant partner, and the avoidant partner sees their pulling away as the abandonment and rejection they expected. This is commonly known as the anxious-avoidant “negative cycle.”

Disorganized

Very chaotic and/or abusive upbringings often breed a disorganized attachment style, although any sort of inconsistent parenting mixed with a particular child’s temperament could result in it.

A disorganized attachment style is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: a mixture of confusing reactions. People with this style both want and fear connection. Partners will get numerous mixed messages, ranging from angry pushing away to desperate clinging. This style especially needs professional help to reach security.

Which brings up the question: can you develop a secure attachment if you’re not already there?

Help! Can I Change My Attachment Style?

The short answer: yes. You can move from an insecure attachment style to a more secure attachment style.

The longer answer: this is generally quite difficult to do alone. Since the original wounds happened in a relationship, they must heal in a relationship, too. Many people with insecure attachment will struggle on their own for years, as being overly self-reliant is a common defense.

However, for most people, once they decide to seek help, they can experience change by working with a trusted therapist. It takes patience and persistence to gradually open your heart again – but the reward of healthy, fulfilling connections is worth it.

At Delaware Relationship Center, you can get the help you need to overcome insecure attachment.