The air is growing crisper, the jack-o-lanterns are popping up on front stoops, and candy corn is on sale—Halloween is upon us! But while letting yourself get scared by ghosts, goblins, and ghouls can be fun and relatively harmless, many single individuals and newly paired couples fear something far more important: love.
That’s right. We may not always realize it, but many of us are afflicted by fears of falling in love or being in a relationship. These insecurities lead us to put up a shield that can keep other people out and prevent us from being able to form lasting, loving, and genuine connections.
These defenses may take different shapes or appear in different situations, but they are often driven by the same common relationship “scares.”
We are scared of being vulnerable. When we open up our heart and allow ourselves to be deeply affected by another person, we make ourselves incredibly vulnerable. When you let yourself love someone, become excited, and grow hopeful, you expose yourself to the possibility of disappointment and rejection—and that’s scary.
We are scared of being hurt again. We all carry scars from previous relationships, dating all the way back to childhood. We may flinch at the possibility of being hurt in a similar way, and shy away from strong emotions because they remind us of negative relationships from our past. When you experience new love, it can remind you of the pain you associate with old loves lost.
We are scared of hurting the other person. In some situations, individuals feel reluctant to become too deeply involved in a relationship out of fear of hurting the other person. If we doubt our own ability to love, or worry that the other person feels too strongly already, we may hesitate to allow a relationship to blossom out of fear that we will end up rejecting or disappointing them. Worrying about how we feel at this moment can stop us from allowing ourselves to see how our feelings will evolve and grow over time, and keep us from even starting what could end up being a beautiful relationship.
Loving truly and deeply takes a great deal of courage, and relationships all come with their share of hurdles. Only after accepting these challenges, opening yourself up to the possibility of disappointment, and making the decision to face your fears can you give yourself an opportunity to find love.
For practical tools to navigate the many challenges associated with love and relationships, you may want to consider relationship counseling. A Delaware relationship counselor may be able to help you identify your own relationship “scares” and get to the root of the issues so you can approach future relationships with confidence and renewed passion.
